On a not too sunny day in May, I found myself on another odd pursuit as I generally do these days. Craning my neck up to the doors of those big white houses in Earls Court trying to find the right door number
...was it door number 3? Is it number 3? Mum..mum... Was it number 3?
And an odd looking bloke with MASSIVE eyes peeps his head round the door. We'll call him Bambi.
Me: Good day sir.
We are on a quest to find complete and utter inner peace like when you can steady your mind and take yourself 'under' you know, mind control thinking right...we read from your leaflet that apparently the mind naturally wants to go in the direction of happiness it doesn't have to be forced that it wants to go there and that all it needs is a gentle push just like the imagery that you used in your leaflet that you don't have to force a river to the sea it just naturally flows there and I just wondered if like you said in your leaflet that you could give me that simple push sir cos me thinks I'm going a bit bonkers.
A stunned silence.
Bambi: Sure, yer. Remove your shoes.
Oh shiiiit. I hate taking my shoes off in public. I've got wonky ankles and hammer toes even though I always had perfectly fitting Start Rite shoes. I always wore the right sized hats, helmets and headbands too but it seems my heads gone a bit wonky as well. Goes to show, size isn't everything.
I step into the bland white as white front room. And I'm concentrating so hard to 'feeeeel the peace' the tranquility.. breeeeathe, breeeeathe in the clinical white of the walls..mmmm...white paint...mmmmm.. I let my wonky bare feet splay on the lumpy off white rug and before I know it I'm walking in a strange duck-like fashion and the class hasn't even started yet.
I'M JUST REALLY TRYING TO FEEL THE FUCKING CALMMMMM DESPITE THE TRAFFIC ROARING PAST BECAUSE THE DAMN A4 IS PLACED RIGHT OUTSIDE THE RATTLING WINDOWS!
Bambi: Hello everyone.
(AND I'M UNDER. breeeathe, breeeeathe CLINICAL, WHITE, PAINT, WONKY, TOES!!!!!!)
...Maybe I'm concentrating too hard.
...Maybe that's the initial problem.
Bambi: the gift of learning to meditate is the greatest gift you can give yourself in this life. For it is only through meditation that you can undertake the journey to discover your true nature and so find the stability and confidence you will need to live and die well. Meditation is the road to enlightenment.'
That's a big ask. So not only will this teach me the beauty of life, it'll teach me the beauty of the rain that pissed on my new haircut, the beauty of the scent of somebody else's dog shit that I scrape out my shoes, the beauty of my 'oh so wonky toes' ... And above all it'll TEACH ME HOW TO DIE WELL!!!!!!! I've gotta get me some of this apple pie!
How the HECK do you die well?
So I stayed.